A few days ago as I was preparing to give a speech in one of my classes I started to freak out, internally of course, no one needs to see that. But, it really got me thinking about why I suddenly got so nervous. My classes lately have been all lecture so I haven’t given a speech in over a year or so. Which is great because I have this crippling fear of being in front of people, of people looking at me for answers for information. All eyes on me as I sit in front of them like some sort of performer. I choke, my throat closes up words can no longer escape, I have no air, please someone help me.
Ok so maybe I am being just a bit melodramatic here but in all seriousness I cannot give a good speech, ok I can but I freak out I don’t know why, I get so nervous sometimes I feel like throwing up, much like right now considering I have two presentations today. I just have a fear for some reason, when all eyes are on me its like people are waiting for you screw up and although I know their actually not looking for you to mess up they just want to absorb your knowledge. The minute the eyes are on me the little signal in my head goes off and I panic, I blush, I shake and I want to crawl in a hole and not come out, until the all clear sound goes on.
One would think that this is bad enough but no there is more. My chosen profession which I will most likely have to stick with for what 40 years or so is teaching. TEACHING! ya, you know where you stand in front of people all day long talking. The fact that this hit me last week and I am 3/4ths done with my education is scary. I signed up to be something that I cannot be. Someone who has panic attacks when they have to face a crowd should not be a teacher, but alas I will be getting my degree soon and with each passing day praying that somehow the fear will subside with practice, with time. If not I will be the check out girl at the supermarket cursing my hundred thousand dollar bachelor degree in education.
